Category: life
i guess this is me…
Me, photo taken by Zach a few weeks ago, during a much warmer weekend.
P.S. The City Museum in Raleigh is not worth the $5 it costs to enter. It is one room only half full of an exhibit, which mainly consists of bad copies of photos pertaining to the evolution of media in the Raleigh area. I had no idea that this was the case when I decided to go there. I was documenting a museum exhibit in preparation for an assignment in my history class. My professor required photographic evidence of our presence at the museum we chose to document an exhibit at.
forever…
My dad was admitted to the hospital tonight until they can set up hospice. I knew this was coming. But now it’s real. We’ve turned a corner that we won’t be coming back from. He can barely speak or move. I’m sure some of it is the cancer and some of it is the morphine.
I went home to Chicago right before Christmas. My dad had spent three weeks in the hospital undergoing radiation. We had a nice visit. I smuggled him snacks from the vending machines and made sure he had enough Lipton tea for the rest of his stay and I tried to make him laugh as much as possible. I hoped the radiation would make a dent in his quality of life, but it didn’t. After he went through chemo I had no illusions about where this was going, but there is that tiny part of you that wants more. Now, now I just don’t want him to suffer anymore.
After radiation, he was discharged on, Christmas Eve. I talked to him when he got home and one last time since, about two weeks ago. He’s just had such a hard time talking, mostly slurring. Our conversation on Christmas Eve didn’t go very well. He was so upset, broken, tired, and sad. He isn’t a man of many emotional words. But when I saw this post on BoingBoing tonight I clicked over to Lisa’s blog. I read through it and found a post titled “Alone.” Not in so many words, my dad told me the same thing the night he was discharged. I wish I could do more for him but sometimes it just isn’t possible. All I can do is love him.
If you get a chance check out Lisa’s blog. It touched my heart, it gave me a little more insight into my dad.
Hug your loved ones tight.
we could rescue oursleves…
What I did this week.
During the Spring I sewed over 200 feet of bunting for my wonderful friend’s wedding. I ended up burning my arm really bad, hastily ironing. Since I finished that project I haven’t really sewn anything. Anyway, a friend of ours is moving and I made her a bag for a going away present, and I made another one for an already far away friend. I forgot how easy it is to get lost in a project. I love it. And it’s even better when you can give them away to people you like.
retreat…
I cannot come up with a better angle to come at this story.
The facts:
My dad has metastatic carcinoma (cancer), technically from an unknown origin.
He receives his healthcare through the Veterans Administration.
From the time he was told in the emergency department at his local VA Hospital till they actually started “treating” the cancer was five and a half months.
He is in a constant state of pain.
He is six feet and one inches tall, and weighs 134 pounds.
He is terminal.
Cancer is going to kill him.
I am angry. I am mostly angry that it took the VA so long to “treat” him. I don’t think that time frame is a normal protocol. I am also angry at America for not caring more about these types of situations. For the last several weeks all I have heard about is gun control, from people who don’t really know what they are talking about. During this time my dad was in the hospital enduring daily radiation treatments in an attempt to shrink the tumors causing his spine to fracture. His own primary care doctor that works in that facility didn’t come once to see him. Maybe if all the news outlets stood outside of the VA hospitals or outside of Secretary Shinseki’s office the rest of our country would care.
He was drafted in 1968. He didn’t volunteer. He served honorably. If we treat people like my dad as though they are subhuman why would we treat anyone else any better? To make things better we have to start somewhere, but we also can’t stop talking about it 2 weeks later.
you belong with me…
all i want for christmas…
Have I posted this already?
Christmas is almost here, which I am sure you are aware of.
If you are feeling extra charitable I’d like to suggest some organizations to support.
Fisher House (A very kind organization that I have personally been supported by. When my dad had surgery earlier this year, they gave me a place to stay.)
USO (For their continual support of veterans and their families. More here.)
Meals on Wheels (An organization that has helped when my grandma was sick. The kindness of their volunteers is awe-inspiring.)
And only last for tonight, but not least: The Veterans Administration (If you go to their website, scroll over Locations and click Hospitals and Clinics, find a center near you, click and in the right sidebar you will probably find a link that says Volunteer or Donate where you will find things that particular facility is in need of. Currently, my dad is a patient in Chicago and we will be sending a care package to pay forward what my dad has received.)
Happy Holidays from my family to yours.
listen up…
Everyone is talking about shootings, gun control, and mental illness. People keep saying that the problem is guns or assault weapons and the answer is background checks. But it won’t be enough.
The real problem is we live in a society where people are disposable. We throw away the bad kids, poor people, single parents and their children, senior citizens, sick and disabled people, unemployed people, undereducated people, veterans, and many other underrepresented people.
In addition to DEMANDING an end to mass shootings and gun violence, what about DEMANDING an end to rape, elder abuse, the VA backlog, unemployment, poor or no healthcare, limited access to education, discrimination, racism, drunk driving, addiction, the stigma on mental illness, etc?
I want to live in a country and community where we contribute to all lives and not just the selective few we are most comfortable or familiar with.
There has been a random act of kindness campaign going around for the people that were killed in the shooting in Connecticut, but I say go out of your way every day to be nice and kind, not just after a tragedy.
stuck in reverse…
My dad went back into the hospital yesterday. Things seem to be declining a little faster than before. He is in Chicago and I am in North Carolina. There are so many circumstances out of my control that I can’t just jump on a plane. I feel like a let down. I am a fixer and I can’t fix this.
or you can watch the real video here.
Parlez-vous Français?
In honor of Veterans Day I asked Zach if he would write a guest post for my blog of a story from his time in Afghanistan. I would also like to take this time to thank all the Veterans I know for their selfless service to our wonderful country. If you can find the time, please thank a Veteran today and enjoy Zach’s story below.
In preparation for the upcoming elections my platoon had been sent to the Chak business district. We were told that we were there to secure the area and oversee the building of some fortifications for local Afghan National Police (ANP) and Afghan National Army (ANA). We were also told that this was to be a three or four day mission; a day to clear the route in, a day or two to build, and then a day to ex-fill. But this was not to be and the tone was set early.
The first day we safely found and destroyed six Improvised Explosive Devices (IEDs), received indirect fire, engaged in several fire fights, and failed to reach our objective as planned. None of us knew it at the time in Chak and we would not be returning back to Forward Operating Base (FOB) Airborne for another 28 days. But I am getting ahead of myself. This particular story is about only one small event that happened during our stay in Chak.
We had become accustom to taking indirect fire, twice a day, from the village down in the valley. It was almost like clockwork, about an hour after sunrise and an hour before sunset we would receive three to five well placed mortars inside of our perimeter. The firers were keenly aware of our air assets response time and made sure never to linger around for too long. Armed with this knowledge of their Tactics, Techniques, and Procedures (TTPs) and facilitated by boredom, myself and my Forward Observer (FO) Moody made a practice of making our way to an Observation Point (OP) before hand. We did this for two reasons, one being we could be away from the most likely target and the other being there in hopes of spotting the enemy fire team and call in fire (air support) on their position.
One evening we found ourselves laying in the prone (stomachs) on an overhang looking out over the village. Shortly after the first mortar hit, a French Ranault VAB (armored vehicle) came speeding up the hill to our location stopping about 15 feet from our location. Moody and I had rolled onto our backs to look backward toward the massive armored vehicle that had just occupied our OP. After a few moments the hatch on top of the Renault opens and a smiling French Soldier pops out from inside. He looked down at the two of laying on our backs staring back at him and he starts speaking to us in French. Of course neither of us speak any French and have no clue what he is trying to convey to us. But he was calm and his tone didn’t allude to anything of pressing importance. Moody and I exchanged glances and I replied back to the Frenchman, “Cool man. Whatever you say.” He smiled back at us and disappeared back into his hatch. Moody turned to me and said, “Well, that was pretty weird.”
Without any warning the Renault’s 25mm cannon began firing on a spot down in the valley. The gun was not pointed at us but we were forward of the barrel. The muzzle blast from the cannon made our whole body tense up; paralyzed for a split second during each report from the gun. Immediately, we both pencil roll out from under the cannon as quickly as we possibly could.
To this day, I have no idea why they chose our particular position to shoot from, or why they thought we would understand French, or why they bothered telling us anything at all. What I do know is that from then on if anyone speaks French to me I assume that it is VERY important to my immediate well being.
Zach is a veteran of Operation Enduring Freedom, where he served as a Combat Engineer with the 10th Mountain Division conducting Route Clearance Patrol (RCP). He now serves as an EOD technician.