feelings that stay with you…

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It was the end of February, almost two years ago. Zach was in Afghanistan. I had been having a lot of problems with my cell phone service. Because of the nature and location of this particular deployment, Zach and I weren’t able to talk with the regularity of the past. We had a brief conversation, brief because of my frustration over the poor connection. The next day Zach called in the very early morning, I think it was still dark outside. He called to say he wasn’t going to be able to call for a while. I knew what he meant. I was half asleep and crank, I’m not a morning person.

I was in school so my days were busy but the nights were always long. It was nearing midnight and I was getting ready for bed. I went to the bathroom, brushed my teeth, washed my hair and just had a feeling. This feeling was compounded by how short I was during my last phone call with Zach. I regretted it. I tried calling him

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, maybe a dozen times. His phone was off. There was a Pashtun recording on the other end I could never understand. I’m sure it was something along the lines of “This subscriber is unavailable…” I went to sleep. The next morning came and I still hasn’t heard anything from Zach, not even an email. I tried calling him again but there was still no answer. I tried keeping busy but after lunch I called again, and again, no answer.

A little after 3 o’clock that afternoon the company commander emailed the family members to the company to inform us that one of Zach’s soldiers had been shot several times and had to be medevaced (airlifted) to Bagram. I knew it must have been very bad. But what she had failed to mention was whether or not the rest of the people on the team were alright, if Zach was okay. My mind immediately went to the worst case scenario. I knew that if Zach was dead the commander wouldn’t be allowed to say anything until they Army made an in person notification. I imagined that because the injured soldier fell directly under Zach’s supervision so they must have been in close proximity to each other. I thought they were going to knock on my door. At the time I lived in a gated complex and wondered how they would get in.

I tried calling Zach again, but still there was no answer. Every car door slamming shut in the parking lot was piercing. I sat on the couch, looking out the window, waiting, but then it got dark and I couldn’t see anything anymore. Ten hours after I received that email from the commander I got an email from Zach. He was okay. After his soldier had been injured they had to continue on with their mission. By the time they were done he was too tired to do anything but sleep, understandably.

A little over a week ago I was working at my computer with the local news on in the background. The anchor said an unidentified soldier on post was killed that morning at one of the ranges. I immediately realized I hadn’t heard from Zach all day, my stomach dropped, again. I texted him but this time he texted back right away. He was fine.

here and there…

Afghanistan/Military Links:

“What is America going to do in Afghanistan after 2014?”

What kind of armed forces do we need to face the most likely threats of the 21st century?

Master Sergeant Aaron Torian

Letters from Afghanistan

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in memory…

My dad would have been 66 today, but he died 360 days ago.

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My dad was not a person without flaws, but in the last 10 years of his life, the person I came to know was a great person. He was an exceptional grandfather to my half-sister’s son. He helped with school projects and walked him to and from school everyday. He loved his family, even though I’m not quite sure they deserved it.

He was an extremely creative person. He was an artist in his own right. He could fabricate replacement parts for antique light fixtures and he could lay the most beautiful patterned wood floors. He liked riding his bicycle to the beach. He loved to garden and watch movies.

He loved being there for his friends. Even while he was sick, he still couldn’t help himself and could be found at the top of ladders cleaning out gutters for neighbors from the old neighborhood. He’d rake their leaves and fix their plumbing.

He was a very humble person, and would never admit to being as smart as he was. He was the life of the party and loved telling jokes. But more than anything, he loved life.

Having been drafted into the Army during Vietnam he became disenchanted with the government and claimed to be apolitical. However, he kept up with all things foreign affairs and military related. He could tell you more about it than anyone else you know.

If you follow Veterans Affairs related news you might have heard about how veterans have been dying because of delayed care. He would never call himself a victim. But I can tell you now that he was a victim of that system. He went to the Jesse Brown VAMC ER in October of 2011 and was told he had cancer and ultimately waited almost 8 months until they began his chemotherapy treatment.

Even though it’s been a year since he died, the sadness is enduring. It’s hard to process something that you can’t rationalize. On a daily basis, I play it all back in my head, over and over again. I can’t make it make sense. Someone once asked me if I thought there was some kind of mistake, I said it was a series of mistakes. He was failed by nearly every doctor he dealt with at Jesse Brown and Hines.

Many VA hospitals are used for teaching medical students, and many of the doctors my dad dealt with were ill equipped students, not yet ready to deal with the complexity of chronic illnesses (ex. agent orange, gulf war syndrome, ptsd, tbi, and cancer). The social workers were just as much of a let down. The only social worker I can think of that actually did their job was the one at Hines that made the arrangements for me to stay at the nearby Fisher House while my dad was a patient there.

I can concede that my dad may have never been cured of cancer, but I’ll never know. The VA did not provide him the chance. I firmly believe that he would not have died February 23, 2013 had they implemented a cancer care protocol more similar to that of the civilian sector.

I’m not really sure why the issue of delayed care hasn’t received more attention. I’ll guess, I’m sorry to say, it’s because legislators like Tammy Duckworth (of my own party) only care about embarrassing and belittling phony veterans with foot pain, receiving government contracts . I’d love to tell her about my dad’s crippling pain. My dad’s cancer ate the bones in his spine, neck, and pelvis while the VA did very little. He reached a point where he could no longer move or speak.

I want to know why legislators like Duckworth don’t take care to focus on more life and death issues like the Legionnaires’ outbreak at the Pittsburgh VAMC, delayed cancer care in South Carolina, hepatitis in Buffalo, or over prescribing of opiates, to name a few.

The VA has had 83 years to figure it out. This can’t be the best we can do for our veterans. To say these problems are not systemic is a fallacy. Delayed care is denied care. Last year

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, during the height of the claims backlog controversy there was a call for Sec. Shinseki to resign. I couldn’t agree more. There is no one better than him to answer for the shortcomings of the VA and the death they are responsible for.

Does the VA do some good? Sure, they have home loan programs, homeless assistance programs, vocational programs, and the GI Bill. But none of those programs did anything to save my dad’s life. It seems that if you don’t have a service connected disability you probably don’t matter. I’d love to ask Tammy Duckworth where she would be if she had to wait 8 months for treatment when she needed it most.

here and there…

Demo Reel 2012: Afghanistan from Elissa Bogos Mirzaei on Vimeo.

Maxence Cyrin – Where is my mind (The Pixies piano cover) from Maxence Cyrin on Vimeo.

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pretending you’re not it…

ice tree sky

I’m almost speechless at the thought of this week. I’m glad it’s almost over. Undoubtedly

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, next week will just have new problems. My semester is over. It’s bittersweet. School is all I have here. I could have signed up for the winter session, but I figured I would regret not taking a break. Zach made it to where he was going. We get to talk almost every day, over the phone. The conversations are short. There is no wifi or video chatting, but there is a USO computer that takes so long to load he can’t really check his email. But it’s okay. It will be okay. Because it has to be.

This week the House of Representatives decided cutting pensions of veterans was a good idea. I made the mistake of reading the comments, and it was shocking to see how many people dislike the military and even blame them for some of our financial problems. I think people have a difficult time differentiating between the people at the top and the people at the bottom. It seems like most people have the impression that the lower level people are just sucking the country dry of everything we have. But what people fail to realize is that defense spending is so much bigger than bullets and navy seals. The Military Industrial Complex is so much bigger than the 4 branches of the military. Don’t get me wrong, I wholeheartedly agree that defense spending is wrought with waste and abuse, but it comes from the top and not the bottom. And it’s the bottom that is first to be punished for it.

Perhaps we should have made sure to follow the Powell Doctrine from the beginning.


Richard Slotkin on Guns and Violence

Bill Moyers on the Class War

What it is to See / Reel 2013 from Jake Oleson on Vimeo.

here and there…

Week 1
hereandthere1
Tennessee and Afghanistan

It’s Giving Tuesday. I am giving to Wreaths Across America and Fisher House in memory and honor of some wonderful men.

Dying for Care

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, from the VA.

It is time for the Department of Veterans Affairs to start answering questions and change the way they are doing things.

Today, I’m sending all the good thoughts I can muster to Merrill Newman and his family. Hoping for his safe return, soon.

you were in and i was out…

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I was watching reunion porn (military homecomings) on Nightline a few minutes ago. It made me sad because it reminded me of the things I don’t like about the military or the military community. This particular segment referenced military wives with children and pretty houses missing their spouses. Don’t get me wrong, being separated from someone you care about is difficult. And it’s even more difficult when you know your loved one is often in dangerous situations. I feel like the news would have you believe that somehow because you have children it must be more difficult or because you don’t it must be easier. But that is not the case.

What I didn’t like about the segment is that it was a reminder of being left out. Zach and I do not have children and because of that we or I get left out of a lot of things. In the military, companies have Family Readiness Groups (FRGs), which would have you believe that it is some makeshift family unit. In my experience, it has never been that. They, the FRG, often centers around children, and people with children. And I am not one of them. They also made mention of all the troops coming home and how many are left, but they forgot to talk about the ones that just left, and what they left behind.

We had roughly 5 different deployment dates. Originally, we planned that I would move home after finals and before Zach deploys. But because the date was moved up, he left early. And I am left here. Military life makes it extremely difficult to make or maintain meaningful connections, with new friends and old friends. I’ve been away from home so long now that I’ve missed too many things with my old friends to really be a part of that group anymore. And we just moved here about 5 months ago and I haven’t really met many people. I don’t have anyone. It’s too big of a project to try to move alone.

So, it’s officially Thanksgiving. I’m thankful for my family, to include Monkey, the ultimate battle buddy. I’m thankful to be in college. I’m thankful to have somewhere to live and food to eat. And I know any day we live to tell about is a good day, but I’m still sad.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Kinfolk Saturdays: Flying High from Kinfolk (kinfolk.com) on Vimeo.

Primordial —- Yellowstone / Grand Tetons from Voortex Productions on Vimeo.

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In Memorian…

We’ve been packing. We’ll pick the moving truck up in a few days and say goodbye to Fayetteville and Fort Bragg. But today is Memorial Day. A day we remember service members that gave their lives in service to our country. So

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, tonight we took a break from packing to go visit the Field of Honor one last time.

honor field at dusk fayetteville

There was a man and a woman in camping chairs sitting beside a tile on the walkway to the Airborne and Special Operations Museum. There were two red candles burning and beside one of the candles was an open beer. I didn’t take a picture because it was getting pretty dark and I didn’t want to intrude on something that seemed so very personal.

Something else stuck out. Directly in front of the door to the museum there is a cluster of Memorial Pavers, and taped to one of them was a single red rose. My heart breaks for his family.

CW3 Christopher Allgaier ASOM Tile

In memory of CW3 Christopher M. Allgaier and all of the service members that died serving our country.

retreat…

xmas food

I cannot come up with a better angle to come at this story.

The facts:

My dad has metastatic carcinoma (cancer), technically from an unknown origin.

He receives his healthcare through the Veterans Administration.

From the time he was told in the emergency department at his local VA Hospital till they actually started “treating” the cancer was five and a half months.

He is in a constant state of pain.

He is six feet and one inches tall, and weighs 134 pounds.

He is terminal.

Cancer is going to kill him.

I am angry. I am mostly angry that it took the VA so long to “treat” him. I don’t think that time frame is a normal protocol. I am also angry at America for not caring more about these types of situations. For the last several weeks all I have heard about is gun control, from people who don’t really know what they are talking about. During this time my dad was in the hospital enduring daily radiation treatments in an attempt to shrink the tumors causing his spine to fracture. His own primary care doctor that works in that facility didn’t come once to see him. Maybe if all the news outlets stood outside of the VA hospitals or outside of Secretary Shinseki’s office the rest of our country would care.

He was drafted in 1968. He didn’t volunteer. He served honorably. If we treat people like my dad as though they are subhuman why would we treat anyone else any better? To make things better we have to start somewhere, but we also can’t stop talking about it 2 weeks later.

all i want for christmas…

Have I posted this already?

Christmas is almost here, which I am sure you are aware of.

If you are feeling extra charitable I’d like to suggest some organizations to support.

Fisher House (A very kind organization that I have personally been supported by. When my dad had surgery earlier this year, they gave me a place to stay.)

USO (For their continual support of veterans and their families. More here.)

Meals on Wheels (An organization that has helped when my grandma was sick. The kindness of their volunteers is awe-inspiring.)

And only last for tonight, but not least: The Veterans Administration (If you go to their website, scroll over Locations and click Hospitals and Clinics, find a center near you, click and in the right sidebar you will probably find a link that says Volunteer or Donate where you will find things that particular facility is in need of. Currently, my dad is a patient in Chicago and we will be sending a care package to pay forward what my dad has received.)

Happy Holidays from my family to yours.