Walter Bielecki, 1948-2013.

“You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.”

My dad was admitted to the hospital tonight until they can set up hospice. I knew this was coming. But now it’s real. We’ve turned a corner that we won’t be coming back from. He can barely speak or move. I’m sure some of it is the cancer and some of it is the morphine.

I went home to Chicago right before Christmas. My dad had spent three weeks in the hospital undergoing radiation. We had a nice visit. I smuggled him snacks from the vending machines and made sure he had enough Lipton tea for the rest of his stay and I tried to make him laugh as much as possible. I hoped the radiation would make a dent in his quality of life, but it didn’t. After he went through chemo I had no illusions about where this was going, but there is that tiny part of you that wants more. Now, now I just don’t want him to suffer anymore.

After radiation, he was discharged on, Christmas Eve. I talked to him when he got home and one last time since, about two weeks ago. He’s just had such a hard time talking, mostly slurring. Our conversation on Christmas Eve didn’t go very well. He was so upset, broken, tired, and sad. He isn’t a man of many emotional words. But when I saw this post on BoingBoing tonight I clicked over to Lisa’s blog. I read through it and found a post titled “Alone.” Not in so many words, my dad told me the same thing the night he was discharged. I wish I could do more for him but sometimes it just isn’t possible. All I can do is love him.

If you get a chance check out Lisa’s blog. It touched my heart, it gave me a little more insight into my dad.

Hug your loved ones tight.