you went left and i went right…

utility workers downtown at night

Growing up, I was always somewhat of a sensitive person. My mom always said that I was just “extra sensitive.” Which is much more kind than things other people have said about it. I am forever grateful to my mother for being so sensitive to my sensitivity. Now, as an adult I understand my problem is an anxiety disorder. However, I have been really struggling, probably for the last 7 years, but most especially this past year has been difficult for me. I think it was initially triggered when we moved to North Carolina, and followed by a series of breakdowns in my environment. A symptom of my anxiety is being a slow healer, figuratively speaking.

My father and I have never been especially close. Last October he went to the Emergency Department of the VA Hospital in Chicago, with pain in the side of chest/rib area. Several tests and a CT were completed and subsequently he was told he more than likely had cancer. Now, he has been diagnosed, it’s cancer. March is here, and the VA has done nothing to treat the actual cancer. Finally, surgery has been scheduled but it’s 5 months later, what chance are they even giving him? I am so disappointed in our system. My father may not be a lot of things, but he is a Veteran that served honorably and deserves more. My heart breaks for him when I hear the despair and pain in his voice. This has exacerbated my anxiety and reopened wounds left over from when my grandma died.

My grandma was one of my best friends. She died almost 6 years ago. It was somewhat of a long horrible process, but there were some really fantastic times smashed inside. Her death impacted my life beyond words, in fact, I have never really gotten over it. I broke down somewhere and I never really figured out how to put it all back together. As irrational as it sounds, I beat myself up over everything I could have done differently and dissect every painful detail . Believe me I realize it’s ridiculous and counterproductive to think like that, but anxiety is a beast with a mind of it’s own. Time creeps up on me, with every minute I am filled with the suspense of tomorrow. I hope that I can live up to my potential.

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